The summer heat hazes my mind and fills me with a sort of lethargy that I think should not be present in someone my age. Then again, I seem to have this problem most of the time anyway, so perhaps the heat just aggravates it.

It used to be, back in my grade school days, I could never remember what day it was and the summer would be over all too quickly. Now that I have jobs, I am aware of the days, but all their events tend to blur together for me. Something I had done over a week ago could seem like just the other day while things I did only the day before are a lifetime away for me.

I am becoming distant from myself. Less and less do I find myself doing the things I truly love and more I find myself wasting away the daylight hours on things that barely entertain me if only for the reason that it’s there and requires less effort. I’m also having trouble really finishing things. I’ll start a project or a class and lose steam halfway through with no visible way to regain my enthusiasm.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is this simply a product of spending too much time with electronics and not enough with actual people? I just don’t know.

I suppose I’m willing to admit that I’m at least mildly addicted to games and the internet. The idea of only spending a few hours online is, for me, a tad bizzare. Most days, The things I want to look at are videos that range anywhere from a few minutes to nearly an hour apiece, and there’s always more everyday.

In five years, I don’t want to be one of those pathetic lonely people who only ever leaves their parents’ basement (or guest room, in my case) to go to work a dead end part-time job. I want to have a life and a job I can actually want to go to everyday. I want to have friends I can just call up and hang out with without having to drive half an hour to get to them.

As it stands, I am directionless. Aside from my writing, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I tried editing, but the courses are becoming nothing short of tedious and soul-sapping. I do not want to do them at all, and by the time the final project rolls around, I can’t even bring myself to do it.

Sometimes I just feel so trapped by myself. I can’t even be bothered to get out of bed most mornings and end up sleeping until noon unless I have work. I just want to lie there and sleep forever, turn into nothingness, but I don’t want to become so pathetic because I know I could probably do more or better.

But, more than anything else, I have this pervasive feeling that I just don’t know. I’m unsure of myself and my future. I don’t know what to do or where to go from where I am. I’m just stuck.

Maybe I’m depressed, or maybe I’m just a lazy pathetic loser. I just don’t know.

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Ophelia

Down down the rabbit hole

Further absorbed of the chaos

My love, the clocks run wild

From side to side like time’s lost

I hate it for stealing you

 

Flowers bloom in darkness

To crash of thunder

Create a lightening

Trailing down to earth

Like willow branches

 

Sinking into the dark waters

My dress spreads around me

Becomes the depths’ veil

And my shroud

Did I do this to myself?

 

Madness is all consuming

But power held by few

I am the true example

Insanity at its most fair

And a choice only I could make

 

Calm pervades the chaos

All the world goes still

All myself falls silent

And the cold embrace I welcome

His love, I know, is eternal

Antisocial Nightmare

I am afraid
All is nothing
Worthless
Pointless
Why should I even bother?
That’s how I think sometimes
At the end of a long day
When I can’t get to sleep
No matter how tired I am
Or when my friends all flake out on me
Either they don’t have time
Or they never show
What’s the point of it all?
Why can’t I just stay alone forever?
Just sit inside
Interact with people over the internet
Where nothing is real
If you don’t want it to be
Because we can’t convey tone
In a few lines of text
And smiley faces make it all surreal
But we can’t
Because we’ll lose that vital part of ourselves
That makes us who we are
Gives us our muse
And makes us feel like there is a reason to live
We have to go out there
Find people like us
Talk to them
Spend time with them
Learn from them the things that we can’t teach ourselves
Because we are social creatures
We feed off the energy of others
For to be forever alone is to be nothing
A husk with no sense of self
Or originality
Or reason
And that’s what frightens me
The part that makes me so sad
For when we lose reason
We lose it all
And when there’s nothing left
We lose our souls
That’s my nightmare

Convention Survival

I’ll be attending Anime Revolution this August. I’m so excited! I’ve already got my tickets pre-ordered, my hostel room booked, and I even conned a friend into going with me. All I need to do now is start thinking about snacks and what to pack. I know, a month in advance is kinda early to start thinking about this stuff, but I have a tendency to procrastinate and if I don’t do this now I’ll probably forget to do it later.

I have been browsing the internet for ideas, and have found some rather good ones. I’ll list a few of my favourite here, but you can feel free to suggest more. This is my basic survival list for a whole weekend of convention madness:

Basic Convention Essentials: The things you will certainly need whether you’re only going to attend for a few hours or the entire weekend. Make sure all these things are easy to carry and always on your person, and watch out for thieves.

  1. Backpack: The experienced conner’s best friend. You want it to be lightweight, but roomy and sturdy enough to carry all your merch and snackage for the day. Either go with something that has water bottle holders or a camel pack for easy access to your hydration.
  2. Passes: Let’s face it, if you forget these you won’t be going to the con at all and all other things will be for naught anyway. Whatever you do, do not lose your pass!
  3. Money: For a light spender who already has their food sorted, I would recommend between $100-$200 cash for a day, or the weekend if you’re really good. More if you know you’ll be buying lots (but for your own sake try to space it out between the three days). Keep your bank card and/or visa handy as well for emergencies. You want to keep it all somewhere you can get to it easily when making purchases, but not so obvious that you’ll lose it to the first pickpocket who comes across you. A money belt might be a wise way to go, or a fanny pack if you’re not afraid of looking uncool.
  4. Food: Covered more below. Food at the convention will be expensive and more than likely greasy, which will wear you out in the long run. Nearby restaurants will more than likely be packed with your fellow con-goers and the helpless workers on their lunch break from nearby companies. It’s just easier for everyone overall if you bring your own food. And do not forget your hydration. It will be hot out, and you will sweat. Don’t kill yourself with heat exhaustion.
  5. Weather Appropriate Clothing and Sunscreen: Something light and comfy, sturdy walking shoes, and an extra shirt just in case. Girls, unless you’re cosplaying, I would recommend a no skirt policy as they tend to get caught in things and peeked under by perverts. No heels either, if you still want to be able to walk afterwards. And for the love of all that is good, please don’t wear the same clothes everyday, unless you plan to use the hotel laundry every night. Sunscreen is also important if you’re planning on spending any time in the sun. The last thing you need is a sunburn making the rest of your con days a painful misery.

Toiletries: If you’re going to attend multiple days in a hotel or hostel, you want to make sure you’re cleaning yourself everyday. Believe me, NO ONE wants to be around you if you haven’t showered all weekend in the middle of August.

  1. Toothbrush and Toothpaste: Travel size is best, especially if you’re sharing rooms.
  2. Hairbrush: This is pretty much a given, at least for those with longer hair, just make sure you don’t end up having to share one with your lice-y friend.
  3. Shampoo, Conditioner, and Soap: Though usually a travel sized bottle of each is recommended, I prefer the solid shampoo bars from LUSH over the usual stuff since it’s all natural (also great for camping) and won’t end up all over everything.
  4. Face Wash/Cream and Toners: This is more of a girl’s essentials, but still, you want to prevent those nasty breakouts.
  5. Your own Towel: This is definitely for those who will be sharing a room and are more paranoid about towel sharing. Try to make sure it’s something easily identifiable.
  6. Deodorant: I cannot stress this enough people, nobody wants to be around your BO! Get the strongest stuff you can get ahold of and apply it frequently. Do not make your fellow fans suffer.

 

Food: This includes snacks and lunches for during the con, and items for breakfast, as well as some drink suggestions. I’m trying to aim mostly for the healthy stuff here, since I’ll be going for three days. Definitely stay away from anything you know will upset your stomach later. Like I said earlier, nobody wants to smell your BO or your gas, and you certainly don’t want to spend hours in the bathroom regretting the extra greasy meal later. Making your meals ahead of time will also save you from mixing your tuna salad with peanut butter when you’re still  groggy in the morning.

  1. Dried Fruits and Nuts: The quintessential travel mix. It’s handy because it’s protein and vitamins in a handy grab-able form. Toss in some homemade popcorn and dry cereal and you’re good to go.
  2. Fresh Fruit: Refreshing and sweet, better than candy bars. A mix of things would be ideal, but bring whatever you can fit in your backpack. Apples, oranges, and nectarines are all nice and juicy, perfect for the hot summer weather.
  3. Your Favourite Snacks… Homemade!: While store-bought yogurt-covered pretzels and Cheetos won’t top any health food top ten lists any time soon, you can make them at home, sans all the chemicals and scary stuff.
  4. Lunch: If you want to save money at a con, you’ve got to bring your own lunch. Pack easy to put together stuff that requires no refrigeration, or pre-pack your lunches before leaving in the first place. While I like to go Japanese-style for my lunches, the good old wrap or sandwich is a great standby with a few veggie sticks and dip.
  5. Drinks: I found two good sources with suggestions for homemade energy drinks that’ll be cheaper and less terrifying than the store-bought stuff, here and here. I would suggest making one of the lighter ones in advance and filling a large water bottle with your drink of choice. When the bottle’s empty, you can just refill it with water at the nearest available fountain.
  6. Sugary Goodness: Eventually you’re going to want something sweet to nosh on, and that’s not a bad thing as long as it doesn’t fill your entire snack bag. Pocky, Graham crackers, Mochi, whatever strikes your fancy. I would recommend shying away from the Oreos, though, unless you want to walk around with black teeth and have your stomach hate you for it later.

Ambiguity

“Don’t leave me,” she begged.
The man did not listen to her pleas and continued to walk.
“Please,” she went on, “don’t leave me here alone to die!”
The man paused a moment, just long enough to light a ciggarette. He tilted his head to glance back at her. “You dug your own grave, baby, now lie in it.”
As the man’s footsteps faded away, shadows began closing in around the girl’s pathetic shaking form.
“No. Go away,” she whispered.
The shadows did not heed. From one there was a brief flash of light off a knife. Another, the muffled smack of a bat against a hand. From yet another still resounded the harsh echo of a pipe scraping the concrete.
“Any last words, traitor?” One of the shadows asked as they all converged over her body.
The girl looked up at the shadows and spat at them. “D*mn you all to Hell.”
Blood ran down the alley along the streams of rainwater to be washed away down the drain.