The summer heat hazes my mind and fills me with a sort of lethargy that I think should not be present in someone my age. Then again, I seem to have this problem most of the time anyway, so perhaps the heat just aggravates it.
It used to be, back in my grade school days, I could never remember what day it was and the summer would be over all too quickly. Now that I have jobs, I am aware of the days, but all their events tend to blur together for me. Something I had done over a week ago could seem like just the other day while things I did only the day before are a lifetime away for me.
I am becoming distant from myself. Less and less do I find myself doing the things I truly love and more I find myself wasting away the daylight hours on things that barely entertain me if only for the reason that it’s there and requires less effort. I’m also having trouble really finishing things. I’ll start a project or a class and lose steam halfway through with no visible way to regain my enthusiasm.
Is there something wrong with me? Or is this simply a product of spending too much time with electronics and not enough with actual people? I just don’t know.
I suppose I’m willing to admit that I’m at least mildly addicted to games and the internet. The idea of only spending a few hours online is, for me, a tad bizzare. Most days, The things I want to look at are videos that range anywhere from a few minutes to nearly an hour apiece, and there’s always more everyday.
In five years, I don’t want to be one of those pathetic lonely people who only ever leaves their parents’ basement (or guest room, in my case) to go to work a dead end part-time job. I want to have a life and a job I can actually want to go to everyday. I want to have friends I can just call up and hang out with without having to drive half an hour to get to them.
As it stands, I am directionless. Aside from my writing, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I tried editing, but the courses are becoming nothing short of tedious and soul-sapping. I do not want to do them at all, and by the time the final project rolls around, I can’t even bring myself to do it.
Sometimes I just feel so trapped by myself. I can’t even be bothered to get out of bed most mornings and end up sleeping until noon unless I have work. I just want to lie there and sleep forever, turn into nothingness, but I don’t want to become so pathetic because I know I could probably do more or better.
But, more than anything else, I have this pervasive feeling that I just don’t know. I’m unsure of myself and my future. I don’t know what to do or where to go from where I am. I’m just stuck.
Maybe I’m depressed, or maybe I’m just a lazy pathetic loser. I just don’t know.